I am a note taker. I am constantly, CONSTANTLY, writing myself notes or creating “to-do” lists (of important tasks for a particular day, or goals I hope to reach but with no set due date). The first weekend of May was the second to last one of my 200 hour yoga teacher training, and a couple of my classmates were unable to attend. One of them reached out to me and asked if I’d share my notes with her afterward, so at the end of the day on both Saturday and Sunday I happily wrote out a lengthy email full of information I had managed to hurriedly jot down in between poses. Seeing all of it typed out like that, with any gaps being filled in by my own perspective or understanding on the topics, made me realize that this is actually happening. I am VERY close to being certified to teach people yoga, and that is both exhilarating and terrifying.
How do you view your life right now?
What words would you use to sum up an average day?
When speaking to a dear friend of mine recently, I marveled at his life with his husband and used the term “exciting” to describe it. He was so quick to refute that! He, instead, offered the word “boring”. I argued back, stating that no, in fact, it was MY life that lacked intrigue. Is this what it’s like, being an adult these days? Competing to see whose life is the most dull?!
At my last yoga teacher training weekend a couple of weeks ago, our class was asked, as homework, to think of a person who has hurt us, and see if we can arrive at true forgiveness after considering our role in the situation, as well as the ignorance involved from both parties. We were asked to look at it objectively with discernment, and ask ourselves if we can take responsibility for what is ours, and release what is not.
Are you still with me?
Suffice it to say that literally no one was comfortable with this assignment. Nobody. Who wants to revisit a difficult situation, and then look for where YOU were wrong?! Yeah, no thank you. Still, I gave it a try.
I had a couple circumstances that immediately came to mind, but I settled on the one that felt still somewhat unresolved to me. This option is not nearly as emotionally difficult as the other I could have chosen, yet somehow it seemed infinitely harder for me to really admit my fault in it. That lead me to question why. “What exactly am I resisting here? The idea that I was wrong?” But I was wrong! For parts of it, I was extremely wrong. Yet looking at the problem from this perspective changed things considerably, and I am not good with change. I’m getting better (yoga has helped me with this quite a bit) but I am still very much a creature of habit, who feels the urge to control everything whenever possible. Unless I am the instigator of the change, I tend to only see it as a frightening wrench in my carefully laid out plans. This usually results in my anxiety arriving to take over. Good times.
I made a genuine effort with the assignment, and eventually came to feel like I had made a small bit of progress. At the very least it forced me to let go of some (likely misplaced) anger I was holding onto. A meditation I use when teaching Reiki includes the instruction of “letting go what no longer serves you”, and I think I had failed to practice what I preach in this regard. I chose not to share my experience in class, mainly because of the complex emotions I have associated with it, but listening to other people sharing was really eye opening. It was heavy. I cried (what else is new). If you are reading this and feel like doing something super uncomfortable but potentially productive, I urge you to revisit a painful situation of your own, and see if you can gain a new perspective on it after accepting responsibility for what is yours, and letting go of what is not. Can you arrive at true forgiveness for the other person? For yourself?
One other aspect of this particular weekend that was intense for me was the chant that we normally do. I feel a strong connection to this chant (it is called Śrī Guru Pādukā-pañcakam if you’re interested) and I practice it on my own frequently. I took a couple of recordings of the class doing it in the past so that I can sing along in the car or at home.
My teacher had asked me to lead the chant during one weekend, and while it was a little nerve-wracking, I enjoyed it because it just meant that I got it started, and then the whole class chanted together as one. On this most recent weekend, however, things were different. Marc (my instructor) pulled me aside before we began a long meditation, and asked if I would lead the chant again. I agreed, thinking it would be the same as last time.
Marc led us into a quiet meditation, as we all laid on our mats with blankets covering us. He came over to me after awhile and let me know it was time for the chant. I started to get up into a seated position and quietly asked him if I should ask the rest of the class to do the same. He said no.
I was confused, but not panicked yet. “So… he wants me to sit up, but everyone else will chant lying down. That seems strange, but okay.” I sat up with the words to the chant in my hands, and then finally, after probably a century, realized that I was meant to chant BY MYSELF. To the room of nearly 20 people. If you don’t know me well, let me explain to you that I have extreme social anxiety. I’m doing better with it lately, but regardless I was honestly shaking with cold sweats.
It’s funny how you can come to find what you are truly passionate about when you are faced with something so scary. Through this experience I have learned that I am really and truly passionate about chanting, because I managed to put those feelings of impending vomit and fainting to the side, due to how badly I felt the need to perform the chant. I began with the traditional opening of “sadgurunath maharaj ki jai”, and then went through all five stanzas of the chant in Sanskrit clearly, without faltering. I felt so much lighter afterward. So much happier. So, hi. My name is Katherine, and I am a devotional chant nerd.
This chant in particular is translated to English to read as though we are worshipping someone’s sandals…I can see how that seems very odd. The sandals are just a metaphor, though. They represent those of us that have walked the path before us. With this chant we are honoring that path, and its traveler. When I first learned this in class, it resonated with me immediately. Each time I practice this chant, I devote it to someone new that has walked the path of yoga (or life in general) before me. I never run out of people to choose from. I am learning from everyone around me, all the time, and to me that is worth honoring.
So there is my wrap-up of my latest YTT weekend. The usual tear-shedding, but thankfully no embarrassing loss of consciousness episodes to speak of. I have only 3 weekends left (1 next month and 2 in May) and I’m excited to finish, but also trying to properly savor my time in this experience while it lasts.
This past weekend was another yoga teacher training session for me and lo and behold, my floodgates finally opened and tears spewed from me like bats out of hell. I have already expressed that heart openers/backbends affect me greatly, so really it was only a matter of time before this deluge happened, yet I was still overwhelmed and beyond embarrassed.
On Saturday we were yet again working on urdhva dhanurasana (wheel pose) and my instructor asked me if I’d be willing to volunteer so he could demonstrate the ways for a teacher to help align a student in the pose. I believe my enthusiastic response was, “not really”. He asked why and I explained that heart openers in general are difficult for me. Not letting me off the hook, he pressed further and asked if I meant they were physically difficult, or difficult in an emotional way. I said the latter. Even as I said that and finally agreed to do the pose, I felt myself tearing up. I was so hoping that would be the extent of things. Continue reading “There’s No Crying in Yoga”
Hello! Long time no see.
My daughter has recently learned the phrase “wake up!”, so now I will often find her screaming that into my face if she sees me with my eyes closed for more than .02 seconds. Sometimes she’ll mix things up a little by saying it while also shaking me as hard as her 2 year old frame will allow. I don’t think I ever considered the possibility that parenthood would involve going to great lengths to prove that I am, in fact, already awake.
Aside from that new development, I feel like I have had quite a lot going on in my life (but don’t we always?). I’m still in school and still LOVING it (I am genuinely excited to do my precalculus homework every week), I moved to downtown Beverly which has been too wonderful for words, and I have been making more time for practicing yoga and handlettering. Overall, this has been one of the best winters I’ve ever had, and I know it’s only partly because we’ve had a pretty small amount of snow.
I’ve been doing my best to focus more on my interests, big and small, and make them more of a priority in my daily life. I think for awhile I was overly consumed with my role as a stay at home mom, and really neglected my own interests and passions. It didn’t occur to me for a long time that preventing myself from doing creative and self-loving things was actually making my job as a mother harder. I take more joy in watching Willow grow and learn now that I also pay more attention to my own needs. Parents need outlets! People need outlets!
I have no other earth-shattering news to share, I just felt like it was time to poke my head out and say hello. I am still offering in-home Reiki sessions and level 1 certification classes on a limited basis, so please feel free to email me at email@example.com if you’re interested and want to know my availability.
I also wanted to share that All Creatures Veterinary Hospital in Salem is currently a drop-off location for Syrian refugee donations. So if you happen to live in the area and want to donate, they are looking for clothes (for children and adults), toys, feminine hygiene products, diapers, soap, bags, bedding, and a few other items. Click here to visit their website, though I don’t think they have any information about the donation drive on there (I receive their email newsletters and it was included in their most recent one). Everything they receive will be shipped to Syria.
I hope you are all doing well!
Take care of yourselves,
Happy New Year!
Winter has always been a difficult season for me. The frigid weather, the snow, the daytime hours seeming to be over before they’ve even really begun. In fact, several years ago I actually moved to California in hopes of escaping the “winter blues” I always seemed to get afflicted with year after year. It didn’t help! I moved back to Massachusetts after just a year on the west coast.
This year is especially difficult for me. I had briefly mentioned in an introductory newsletter that I came to own The Healing Center after a very traumatic event in my life. That event was my discovery of my husband’s infidelity. There are a few hundred subscribers on this mailing list, and statistics show me that many of you have likely been in this position before in some form. To those of you that have: I understand. To say it is life altering is an understatement of unimaginable proportions.
This year, in addition to my usual burden of dealing with low energy and positivity as result of the season, I am also tasked with searching for emotions and qualities within myself to assist me in my journey of recovery. Seeking out acceptance, optimism, compassion, confidence, and independence (for starters) has been the very opposite of an easy endeavor…but I have been succeeding. I have spent countless hours the past few months looking inward and allowing myself the time it is taking to accept that this event in my life does not define me.
I read somewhere once that sometimes we are taken into troubled waters not to drown, but to be cleansed. I truly believe that. During many meditations I have sat with the idea that I am the one, the ONLY one, with the power when it comes to my thoughts and feelings. Is this idea easier said than done? Of course! But it is also true. I alone have the power to choose to be happy, to choose what defines me, and to choose how I let outside factors affect me. So this winter, and in this new year, I am attempting to put those words into action. I am attempting to find myself cleansed and renewed from this—both my personal trauma, and the desolation of winter. Will I still have hard days? Will I still desperately miss the warm sunshine and green foliage? Will I still struggle to get out of bed some mornings? Yes, yes, and yes. But I am still trying, because my happiness will always be worth all the energy I have within me to supply to it.
If you have suffered (but survived!) through infidelity in your life, please take advantage of my offer of half off of a private Reiki session for you during the entire month of January ($15 for 30 minutes, $30 for 60 minutes.) Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to set up an appointment. or call 978-338-5571. The path to healing is paved with patience, introspection, and most importantly: self-care.
To quote Robert Frost, since his last name and these words feel so appropriate here and now: “The best way out is always through.”
P.S. Check out the Classes/Workshops tab on the website to see what else THC has to offer in 2016!